My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
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Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Catering service
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?