me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
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Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ