Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
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Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
bears
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.