30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
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My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.