My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
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Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.