As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
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At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
every. time.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention