Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
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No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this