I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
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pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that