My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
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me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?