I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
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Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.