mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
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A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.