[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
You Might Also Like
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”