Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
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Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
When someone says you are so lazy
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”