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If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo