My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
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Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.