My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
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[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?