My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
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Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.