whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
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My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Okay, I’m still confused…
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas