Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
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SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.