Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
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[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too