[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
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My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
⛄️
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.