As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
You Might Also Like
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid