Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
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There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand