I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
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Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
No. He’s not coming out to play
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
yeet