“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
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The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking