Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
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[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
sigh
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands