I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
You Might Also Like
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
fly smarter, not harder
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
We avoided this particular disaster
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”