Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
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The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Wise advice
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.