MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
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Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
what does he know…
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Message from the dog groomers
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.