True
You Might Also Like
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
This is not me but this is me
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”