So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
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I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Birds & Planes.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home