Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
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boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Money is the root of all wealth
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Chemical wingman
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Well, this explains it:
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Your honor these allegations are
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories