if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
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I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.