Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
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My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Every damn time
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
wow
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.