chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
You Might Also Like
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]