Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
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ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.