I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
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Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident