Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
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When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.