George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
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Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
and this one
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what