Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
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I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Okey dokey.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause