[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
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I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
when someone rings the doorbell
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler