*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
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So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.