What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
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I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.