When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
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challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*