I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
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Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep