Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
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Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?