new career option?
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[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
never deleting this app.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Tell me you get it…🤣
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?