What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
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NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
This came to me in a dream.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
I only eat vegetarians.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.