If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
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Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
For anyone who needs this today
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order