Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
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Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.